"We have old pine trees which circle our land in two staggered rows. The first owner of our house, an old farmer who built the place with the help of his friends, planted the pines. Over the years, a few of these pines have tipped and then slowly fallen down. You watch one fall down during the course of the day, in slow motion. It falls slowly as though it couldn’t care less if its days are numbered. You might imagine an auctioneer with his gavel saying Going going gone!, as down it goes. Or a referee who stands above you counting as you struggle to clear your head and find your legs. This pine tree’s never getting up. When it’s finally down we chainsaw it and haul it off. But by and large the pines stand firm. They are perfect in life, and just as perfect in death. No one can find fault with them. Trees have a place in our world which is quite unique. Somehow, they are like kings."

how I won the us open      My two youngest children were in the back seat of my car when we got the phone call that my Mom had died. It was in the Fall of 2005. We were pulling out of the driveway and were getting ready to drive to Pennsylvania and visit her in the hospice. My wife was already at the hospice. She had Anna with her. My father was there, and so was Aunt Jan. I pulled the car over onto the grass and told Maddy and Little Pete the news. They started a conversation between themselves. “Remember how at Christmas she brought the big bags of presents. Grandpop had to carry them in from the car for her because the bags were so big and there were so many of them. He looked unhappy because he had to do all that work.” “What about on our birthdays all the presents she’d bring us. And she always brought the birthday cake too, the kind with the huge icing flowers. And she made Grandpop give us money too.” “And whenever we stayed overnight at her house she would let us have dessert after every meal, even breakfast. And in the closet in the hallway she had shelves with boxes of cupcakes. And she didn’t mind if you went into the closet without asking.” The two of them were silent for a moment. Little Pete said, “Now she’s gone.” And Maddy said, “Whatever will we do.” They were crying in the back seat and I said to them, “I could’ve won the US Open, but then when Grandmom got too sick she wasn’t able to help me any more.” They said to me, “Grandmom couldn’t help you play golf!”

“Well, I was cheating. I have to confess that right up front. Both of you know what a terrible golfer I am. I had no chance unless I cheated.” “How could you cheat in the US Open, Dad?” “It wasn’t really the US Open. It was the qualifying round. All over the country they have qualifying rounds, and the guys with the best scores get to go to the real US Open. I played in the qualifying rounds at the Tinicum Island Blue Course. Tinicum Island is a little abandoned island in the middle of the Delaware River, right near the Airport.” “You’re making this up,” Maddy said. “All the junk in the river washes up on Tinicum Island,” I said, “The Army Engineers used to clean it up once a year, but then they stopped, and all the junk started blending together and making works of art. One day a bunch of kids started playing golf in between all the works of art, and the next thing you know they had a world class golf course.” “And Grandmom helped you?” “It was an invention my friend Donny invented. You probably didn’t know he’s a brilliant inventor, but he is. He put a little tiny nano drone in the golf ball, and another little tiny nano drone in my golf club. Fortunately for me, the golf association doesn’t test your golf ball and golf club for nano drones.” “I never heard of a golf ball nano drone.” “Of course not. It’s top secret. If Donny told anyone about it, he’d have to sell it for millions of dollars.”

“So what did Grandmom do?” “Well, someone has to steer the nano drone. Usually they let Navy Seals do it. But those guys are all honest, so I had to find someone who loved me so much they’d help me cheat. The only person in the world was Grandmom.” “But she knew it was cheating. Why would she help you cheat?” “It’s true she didn’t want to do it at first. But she knew what a terrible golfer I was, and she knew that almost the only thing I wanted in the whole wide world -except for you guys- was to be a great golfer. One day she said to me, Joey, I know I’m gonna die soon, and when the time comes for me to meet God face to face, I think he’ll understand when I explain to him why I helped you cheat.” “Is that what she said?” “Yeah. And then she said, And besides, I think even God himself would be tempted to cheat if he thought he could hit straighter drives. Anyway, Donny followed me around the course with a video camera, and he streamed it right to my youtube account. Grandmom watched the golf match on her computer. Then she had a little box with some dials on it. Donny had given her the box with the dials. When I hit a shot, she watched where it went and then she turned the dials and made sure it was a good shot.” “She couldn’t do that!”  “She definitely could do that. As a matter of fact, she almost ruined everything for me.” “What did she do wrong?”

“She made me too good. On the first three holes I had three holes-in-one. It was a Guinness World Record. All the officials started hanging around. I had to shank a bunch of shots just to get rid of them. But on Sunday when she went in the hospice she just got too sick. I came down to the last hole and all I needed was a double bogey and I would’ve gone to the US Open. But her strength gave out. I think I shot an eight on the hole. Or maybe a ten. Or it could’ve been a twelve. I didn’t make the cut. Well, that was only yesterday. I went to see Grandmom in the hospice after I lost the golf match. Her mind was starting to go on her.” “What do you mean?” “She said to me, Joey, I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t tell a hook from a slice any more. I said to her, That’s ok, Mom. I know it’s wrong to cheat, and I know you were helping me because you love me so much. And she said to me, I was talking to God last night. He said it was ok if I helped you a little bit on the golf course. But he said I went too far with those three holes-in-one.” “Is that what God said to her, Daddy?” “Yes. And Grandmom told me to tell you how much she loves all of you. And she said to tell you she always will love all of you, even after she’s gone. And she said that sometimes she used to cheat too.” “When did she cheat?” “When Mom and I would go to her house to pick you guys up after you’d spent the night there, and Mom asked her if she gave you too many treats. She always used to tell a little white lie and tell Mom that she only gave you a couple treats.” “That’s not true, Dad! She gave us treats all the time!” “Yes, Mom and I knew that. But sometimes God will forgive the little sins, if he knows our hearts are in the right place.” Well, the truth is I’m still as bad as I ever was at golf. If my friend Donny really did invent a nano golf ball and club, I know for a fact I’d try to use it. But I don’t think I’ll ever again be able to find someone who will work the little box with the dials for me.